Rockin' On
by Knight-Of-Valhala
Summary: Ok, my first fic!! don't knock it too much. The FF8 chars, and maybe some crossover from other ff's if i run out of chars, all get together to form a caffiene fueled Mountain-Dew slurping heavy metal band.
1. Chapter 1: MUST HAVE COFFEE

Rockin' On An Final Fantasy Humour Fic  
  
Cheesy title, i know, so sue me.  
  
Disclaimer:I don't own any of the ffs, sadly, so if i nick anythin that isn't mine then it ain't my fault, and if ya don't like it the you can come and meet me mate Loz, who is 6' 5'', and has a fixation with bludgeoning swords. Gottit?? This is also me first fic, so don't be annoyed at me, but feel free to insult me all ya want.  
  
*********************************************************************** Chapter 1: A Intro to this story wot i be writing.  
  
All is peaceful in Balamb Garden, where our story begins.(so what?? i love ff8) At least, all is peaceful until about 6:30 in the morning, when Selphie wakes up and begins her daily sugar-high reign of terror.  
  
Selph: *bounds into cafeteria in usual squeaky voice* YO!!!! SUP????? Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*Pauses for lack of oxygen*eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*asphyxiates*  
  
KOV:Goddamit!!*revives selphie with author magic* not 15 lines into a fic and i've already killed off one of teh main charecters. Yes!! MWAHAHAHAHA!! *runs and hides for a bit*  
  
All fo the ff8 crew are sitting round their usual table watching selphie go mad with the coffee machine, ordering more than enough to suffice any caffiene freak's obsession for the magic liquid for several days, and DOWN IT ALL IN ONE GO.........  
  
Squall: ya know, we really ought to do something with her.......  
  
Quistis: Yeah, with an axe......  
  
All: O_o(so what, i always thought that quistis was evil inside really...)  
  
Irvine: Actually, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm, erm...........  
  
Squall: GRAARGH!! *gets out lionheart and pushes over irvine's chair, with lionheart at irvine's neck* RIGHT!! now, no more hesitating from you, Mr Jumped-Up-Pretty_Boy!!  
  
Zell: Whoa, Squall, Man...  
  
Squall: PARDON!!!!!  
  
Zell: Erm, i mean, Sir..  
  
Squall; That's better.....*bends over and sucks his thumb whilst making 'gaa gaa' noises*  
  
KOV: Again, a magic interjection by the author, heehee. Squall's a big baybee...awwwwww.  
  
Squall:*suddenly charges up the lionhert through shoving it into the coffee machine and ordering everything* Oh Yes!!! the caffieney goodness creates teh ultimate limit break, the Massive Cappucino-Blast- Slash_Thing_Kinda_Sortof!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!*charges at KOV with evil gleam in red eyes, leving a trail of stale coffee froth*  
  
KOV: Ok, i, urk, see your point, now can ya point that thing in another direction before you have somebodies eye out??  
  
Zell: Hey dude, I.  
  
KOV: Blark!! I can't stand this sk8r attitude any longer!!!! *kills zell with author magic ultimate spell, the Fluffy Pink Bunnies Of Ultimate Destruction* Heehee, take that!!  
  
Zell: AArgh!! *runs away as pink bunnies try to eat his toes*  
  
KOV: Right, that's got rid of him.  
  
Selphie: Erexcusememrauthormancanyoubringzellbackcoswealthinkhe'sreallycoolandeveryth ingwhateveretcetera!!  
  
KOV:O_o, erm, anyone get that??  
  
Everyone: Nope!!  
  
KOV: Ohhhhkkayyyyy. anyhoo, i always liked that ultimate chain of destruction thing that he did, so i think i'll bring him back. *magics zell back to cafeteria with 2 pink bunnies hanging onto his trousers*  
  
Zell: =:-( AARGH!!! *runs around cafeteria looking stuypid* AARGH!!*slams into coffee machine and passes out*  
  
KOV: Yes!! GOOOAALLLL!!!!!!! *50 free black coffees fall out*  
  
Pink Bunnies Of Ultimate Destruction: Erm, excuse me, our worker's collective believes that we are being underestimated in our acting potential.  
  
KOV and everyone: Eh??  
  
PBOUD: Well, we believe that just being rabid pink bunnies that kill people at KOV's command may give all the reviewers and viewers negative vibes about our sensitivity and everything.  
  
KOV: Ok, fair do's, you're dismissed.  
  
PBOUD: Whoohoo! Party Time!! *Pulls out massive ghetto blaster with Judas Priest blaring on it.*  
  
*Magic transformation comes over everyone in the cafeteria*  
  
All: Whooaaa!! Sweet!!! Detuned riffing!! Yess!!!*exclaimation mark key busts from overuse*  
  
KOV: Goddamit. No. I can't make any of my overhyped 1940's expletives work in a viscious manner. Oh well, better resort to 2000's expletives  
  
%£$@()*&&$$^&*&^*&^*&^*????$%$^&&&&&  
  
Goodie.  
  
Selphie: Hey guys, i've got a great idea....  
  
*********************************************************************** Oooh, scary. what will Selphie's great idea be?? Find out in teh next chapter!! or don't, if you really want to be that perverse, but then you won't find out what selphie's great idea is and you won't be able to follow the storyline anymore because you missed out taht chapter and this will lead you to becoming a raving psychopathic pink bunny murdering madman i bet you can't say that sentence all in one breath.*Pause whilst much rotting vegetation flies at oneself* Ouch.  
  
Knight Of Valhala. 


	2. Chapter 2: NEED MORE COFFEE

Rockin On, a Final Fantasy Humour Fic.  
  
Disclaimer: Why i do this i do not know. I am Zaphod Beeblebrox, need i say more? DAY owns herself and i own me, i think, if the voices are not giving me too much gyp. Anyhoo, by popular demand(of 1 person) we have the second chapter of Rockin On  
  
*********************************************************************** Chapter 2: Selphie's Great Idea  
  
Selphie: So guys, i got a great idea...  
  
All: Yeah??  
  
Selphie: Uhidunnoiforgotitatthismomentsorry!  
  
KOV: Was it just me, or was that the single most stuypid thing that anyone has ever done...  
  
Suddenly, the cafeteria door opens!!  
  
*dark-angel-yuna walks in the cafateria looking lost and confused*  
  
KOV: Oh great. look who's coming.  
  
all except KOV: who?  
  
DAY: Heya KOV! There ya are! I've been looking for you and sorry i couldn't talk and are you writing a fanfic?  
  
KOV: Yes, I'm afraid so.  
  
DAY: I wanna be in it! I wanna be in it!  
  
KOV: O_o  
  
*meanwhile, Selphie is getting Zell to attack the coffee machine to see if any free coffee will come out*  
  
Sephie: C'monZellPunchHarderNocoffee'sgonnacomeoutthatway!  
  
Irvine: There's no way that Zell's gonna get any coffee outta that thing. Let me show you how it's done.  
  
*Irvine loads and levels Exceter and shoots the coffee machine, which then explodes, killing all those sitting near, Selphie, Zell and Quistis*  
  
Irvine: *laughs nervously* Whoops  
  
KOV: Oh boy, here we go again. *uses author magic to revive the fallen characters*  
  
DAY: Ooooooooh! What was that?  
  
KOV: Author magic. I can do whatever I want because I'm the writer.  
  
DAY: Ooooooooh. Can I have some?  
  
KOV: *rolls eyes* Ok, sure, just don't do anything I can't fix.  
  
DAY: Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *looks thoughtful about what she's going to do with her author magic* Got it! *points finger at Squall* Turn into a frog!  
  
*Squall turns into a frog and nearly gets squished by the Lioinheart that falls down after him*  
  
Squall frog: O_o (can frogs do that?) croak.  
  
Zell: HAHAHAHAHA! Dude, where did you find her? I like her!  
  
DAY: *looks arund room* Ah ha! Found you! *sneaks up behind Irvine and steals his hat* I've always wondered what I would look like in this hat.  
  
Irvine: HEY! Gimme my hat back! *chases DAY around the cafateria*  
  
All except KOV, DAY and Irvine: O_o  
  
KOV: *hangs head* I should have known not to put her in the same room as Irvine. Why do i even bother....*hides again for a bit*  
  
Meanwhile, when the author's away....  
  
DAY: Whee, this author magic stuff is groovy!!*turns a table into a hurdle, which Irvine then trips over* Heehee, he fell over, heehee.  
  
KOV: Anyway, this story is really going nowhere, again. let's have some random insanity for teh next coupla chapters tehn selphie can finally get over her sugar high, or summat.  
  
DAY: Yeah, good idea*tries to turn Irvine's hat into a frog, but her finger fizzles and a fat blue spark jumps off the end of it, grounding on KOV's spikey hair*  
  
KOV: Ow!!, nasty mean mutter mutter mutter.  
  
Quistis: I heard that, now why don't you own up to the whole class as to what you said??  
  
DAY: erm, we're not in a class, this is the CAFETERIA.  
  
Quistis: Ah, sorry.....gaagaagaa......gaagaagaa.  
  
KOV: *frantically trying to restore beautiful hairstyle using Zell's emergency pot of hair gel( always thought he would carry one* Noo, the marvellous do is ruined...noooooo.  
  
DAY and all: O_o, get over it dude.  
  
KOV: *sniff* Okay. actually, more to the point, what hapened to DAY's author magic?? actually i'm just filling in your part cos i can and i'm the author and everything and i also have a massive fixation with long sentences that nobody can say in one breath and everything.  
  
Irvine: *pulls out the Exceter and loads it up with some spare Pulse Ammo, and blasts KOV into teh cafeteria wall* shut it writer man, you don't control me.  
  
DAY:Oooh, you shouldn't have done that, ya really don't want to see KOV mad.  
  
KOV: *restores author magic of DAY, gets up with sparks grounding off him on every table, and turns Irvine into a small red smear on the ground with the new author magic ulimate spell, the Crusty Bread Rolls Of Doom* Aaah, that's better, you do know how embarrassing this is going to be at my next anger management meeting, don't you?? I'm insane enough with my pyromania, but not this as well. weeble weeble sclup *keels over* heehee *gets back up again* meesa back!!  
  
DAY and all: NO!!!!!  
  
KOV: anyway, more random insanity from me. So, anybody here play any instruments??  
  
Zell: I play guitar!  
  
Irvine: Same here!  
  
DAY: I play piano and clarinet!  
  
Selphie: icansingithinkifyawantmeto??  
  
Squall and Quistis: we can learn stuff.  
  
Rinoa: *appears with a thunderclap out of nowhere wearing a black poiny hat and stirring a cauldron* MWAHAHAHA!! I am taking no part in this fic because i am KOV's least favourite character!!(soz to rinny- lovers)*dissapears again*  
  
Squall: Well, that was odd...  
  
All: No kidding....  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Oooh, groovy. What does KOV have in mind?? Will DAY ever succeed in stealing Irvine's hat again?? Will Selphie EVER come down off that sugar high?? Will i ever stop writing cheesy cliffhangers to the end of these chapters?? These questions will be answered.....right now!!  
  
No idea, even tho i am him.  
  
Yes, absolutely.  
  
If irvine keeps giving her Pear Drops, not a chance  
  
No, i won't  
  
Knight Of Valhala 


	3. Chapter 3: GIVE ME COFFEE

Rockin On A Final Fantasy Fanfic  
  
Disclaimer: This chapter was written under teh influence of heavy metal and new metal, oh, and I ate my goldfish, and i'm past caring. oh, and i still don't own any of teh ff's, yet. *evil grin, cocks shotgun, starts strolling nonchalantly towards squaresoft building whistling a happy tune* DAY: uhoh, KOV's on the rampage again *sets Pink bunnies of Ultimate Destruction( they can work for her from now on) on KOV* KOV: Ok, OK, i stop now. *puts shotgun down*  
  
*********************************************************************** Chapter 3: The Balamb Garden Torture, erm, i mean Festival Comittee Meeting.  
  
DAY: *now presiding over meeting because selphie is sitting in the middle of the floor completely wasted* Ok, let's get down to buisness.  
  
Irvine: Huh, why should we *still miffed about DAY stealing his hat REPEATEDLY*  
  
DAY: *sets pink bunnies on Irvine* BECAUSE I TELL YOU TO!!!  
  
KOV: Guys, do what she says before she gets mad.  
  
Zell: yeesh dude, where did ya find her??  
  
DAY: *evil grin* wouldn't you like to know??  
  
Zell: erm, now ya mention it......  
  
Selphie: *snore* i wanna ride the pony *snore*  
  
KOV: *throws a lead roof tile at selphie* SHUT UP!!  
  
Selphie: *snore* ouch *snore*  
  
KOV: I despair, i really do. *throw's himself out of the window and is last seen flapping away with teh seagulls*  
  
DAY: man, here we go again *calls KOV back with author magic*  
  
KOV: *still flapping arms* tweet, caw, tweet  
  
DAY: *throws a large pink and green spotted elephant at KOV* SNAP OUT OF IT MAN!!!!  
  
KOV: Ouch, ok, ok. Anyway, LETS GET DOWN TO BUISNESS!!!!!  
  
Squall: Chill man, cool it.  
  
DAY: Yeah, cool it. *freezes KOV in an ice block, then breaks it again* heehee.  
  
KOV: You dare impose on me!!! MWAHAHAHA!!! *lunges at DAY, but misses when she materialises a banana skin in front of her, and crashes into Seifer*  
  
Seifer: Hello, and what the hell are you doing licking my boots??  
  
KOV: *transports himself away from Seifer* Shut it, wuss, i had enough of you when i was playin the damn game.  
  
Squall and All: *suddenly wake up* Whoa, Seifer!!! *Squall attacks Seifer (ya say that one coming, didn't ya?)*  
  
As Squall and Seifer are grappling on teh floor, KOV, the chars and DAY get one with teh buisness of the meeting, ie, who knocked selphie out so much taht she is sleeping under teh table.  
  
Selphie: *snore* be quiet, i'm trying to defeat the evil forces of Dr Zorg *snore*  
  
All: *kick selphie* SHUT UP!!  
  
Selphie: *wakes up and bangs head on table* Hey, Chill!!! ireallydon'tknowwhatmademespeakincoherentspeechwheniwasasleep *asphyxiates, AGAIN*  
  
KOV: Can't i just leave her dead this time??  
  
DAY: No, because you won't have anybody to be besotted with in any Final Fantasy!  
  
KOV: *thinks* .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... *still thinking* .... .... .... .... .... Good point. *reincarnates selphie*  
  
Selphie: wheei'maliveagain *kisses everybody, including KOV, who blushes immensly, and hides again for a bit* Ohwheredidtheauthormango??  
  
DAY: Blark, i dunno??  
  
Selphie: Thisisboringi'mgointo..sleep....again....*snore*  
  
KOV: *emerges from behind desk* She gone??  
  
All: Yeah dude, you're safe  
  
KOV: PARTY!! Sweet. Anyway, because i ahve to introduce a plot..  
  
All: Plot?? Humour Fic?? INCOMPATIBLE!!  
  
KOV; Oh yeah, what was i thinking..*smacks self*  
  
Zell: Hey, why don't we form a rock band??  
  
Squall: *still grappling with seifer* *puff* Good idea, now, where was i....oh yeah. DIE YOU EVIL-SMELLING CHICKEN-FEETED MULTIPLE-WHATEVER- SAYER!!!!! *lunges back at seifer*  
  
KOV: Excuse me, i've gotta go and break this up  
  
Irvine: Hey, man, don't do that, i'm still taking bets.  
  
KOV: Hey, cool, put me down for 50 quid on Squall.  
  
Irvine and All: Quid??  
  
DAY: *sigh* Pounds Sterling, you thick people. They're like dollars, but they're english.  
  
All: English??  
  
KOV: Yeah, yeah, never mind, kay, 50 DOLLARS on Squall, and wheres teh nearest curency exchange?  
  
All: Currency Exchange??  
  
KOV: Ah, i see, never mind. * Breaks up fight with a handy nightstick that he just happened to find.* Now, Play nice!!!  
  
Squall and Seifer: Yes Sir...  
  
DAY: anyway, back to buisness, a rock band??  
  
KOV: Yeah, it seems logical, i mean, i can play Bass, you can sing, zell and irv can play guitar, and i suppose the otheres can learn stuff.  
  
DAY: yeah, and i can impart my keyboard knowledge to quisty and stuff.  
  
KOV: Yeah, but we still need a drummer........  
  
*********************************************************************** Oooh, manic. Will the band ever find a drummer?? will the extensive keyboard knowledge of DAY be imparted in full to quistis?? Will teh ff8 chars ever kill me if i don't stop writing these cheesy cliffhangers?? All; YEAH!!! *evil grins, everybody pulls out weapons and strolls towards KOV*  
  
KOV: AAH!! *blasts the chars against a wall with author amgic, and puts pink bunny suits on all of them.*  
  
All; boohoo....  
  
Knight-Of-Valhala 


	4. Chapter 4: GLUG GLUG GLUG

Rockin On A Final Fantasy Fanfic  
  
Disclaimer: Shoot them later, they're not worth it. i am the muffin man. i invented teh bobble hat. need i say more?? i still don't own ff8 or any others, cos i've had my shotgun taken away. mon, whinge, moan. This chapter finally sees teh introduction of A Talking Rat Called Edward. Such is how my mind works. If ya don't like it, tough, rough universe.  
  
Forgive me if this chapters a bit short, even tho it's very important. i jsut had to write a history essay on Leon Trotsky and Pre-1922 success for the Bolsheviks, so 'm pretty burned out. also, still under the influence of the Nirvana Greatest Hits Album, adn more Judas Priest. finally, i really can't be bothered to spellcheck any of this, so you can come round to my house, but you'll get hurt.....*rubs hands together in evil way* heeheehee *looks at the cellar* heeheehee. *fall over and starts twitching*  
  
*********************************************************************** Chapter 4: The Dreaded Curse of Stiff Little Fingers, Or, The Auditions.  
  
The Meeting had been an utter disaster, due to the fact that Selph was still whacked out on the floor muttering about ponies and mango chutney, and the fact that KOV was still burning with embarrassment because he had gotten into a fight with Irvine over Selphie (ya know, the ones along the lines of 'choo lookin at mah woman??' and 'nah mate, but you'll ned more than a lemonade with that thing on ya arm' and then the fighting commences etc.....i love that kinda thing) and was now sporting two balck eyes and muttering 'ya shoulda see the other guy' and other macho comments.  
  
DAY:*steps up to mike* Okay guys and girls, this is the First practice, as it is! *feedback*  
  
All: Aargh! Turn taht damn thing down, man!!  
  
Nida: Ok, ok, i just got a bit carried away, i don't see the need t....*gets hit by rotting vegetation in copius ammounts* RIGHT!!!!!! WHO DID THAT!!!!!  
  
Rinoa: *pushing wheelbarrow full of rotting vegetation* Not me, Mr Nida Man!!  
  
KOV: Hey, who said you could be in this fic????? GET OUT!!!!  
  
Rinoa: Chill it, Mr Two Black Eyes!! Wuss! Pansy! Evil-Minded Spawn Of Turtle Slime!!  
  
KOV; ok, i could stomach the first two, cos i'm a very nice and caring person, but the third one was THE LAST STRAW!!!!!  
  
*rinoa and KOV start charging up their magic, author versus witchery, gargantuan stuff man, hey, wait a tick, aren't i supposed to be fighting her?? why am i talking to you?? maybe because i'm going mad from teh lack of reviews i'm gettin?? beep, fzzzzzt, beep*  
  
*KOV blasts rinoa into a wall with the second most powerful author magic spell, Edward teh Talking Rat of Doom*  
  
Edward: Free at last, thankyou very much. *straightens bow tie* ah, so good being free!  
  
Quistis: Is that a talking rodent??  
  
Edward: erm, ah, eep, erm, ........, Squeak, Squeak, where's the cheese?  
  
Quistis: Eh??  
  
Zell: Don;t worry quisty, it's just that your medications run out, lets go to the infirmary, eh??  
  
Quistis: *voice receeding into distance* but taht rat just spoke, i s.w.e.a.r..i...t....  
  
KOV: Mad woman....  
  
All: yeah....  
  
DAY: *very angry* *sweatdrop* WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The entire cast of characters suddenly stand to attention, except for edward, who mutters 'moody' and wanders off to the cafeteria in search of asparagus. Ya see, he's a sophisticated rat. In a bow tie. That is in control of this mad author who procrastrinates all day long instead of getting on with the story.  
  
DAY: *suddenly steps down from the stage and slaps KOV very hard* Stop it, and get on with teh story.............YOU EVIL MINDED CONTROL FREAK"!!!!!!  
  
KOV: Ok, Ok, chill, i will. *transports everyone up onto the stage, instruments in hands* Hey, why is SHE up here?? *points theatrically at quistis, who's sitting behing the keyboards making muffled "i'm gonna getcha" noises*  
  
DAY: I thought we agreed that i could impart my keyboard knowledge to quistis??  
  
KOV: Oh yeah! *smacks self* ouchie......  
  
Irvine: WHAT AM I DOING WITH A JAGSTANG!!!!!!!!  
  
KOV: I wanted to get taht kinda Kurt Cobain Grungy-feel about it. Play somethin, go on!  
  
Irvine starts playin the first few bars of Stairway to Heaven, Led Zeppelin, but is suddenly hit by a large meat pie in the face. Pulling himself up, he read the label.  
  
UNSPECIFIED MEAT PIE 75pence  
  
ALSO TRY OUR NAMED MEAT PIE £1.50  
  
KOV: *hands 75 pence to teh "Greasy Spoon On Wheels" van taht just appeared.* cheers mate, i can't see the holy riff despoiled. *turns to Irvine* GET DOWN ON THY KNEES WHILST THOU DOST STILL HAVE SOME, SACRILEGIOUS GIT WOT YAOU ARE!!!!!!!  
  
Ok, now i'm gonna do one of them screwy phasey scene-change things.  
  
wibble-wobble-wibble-wobble-wib....  
  
Edward strolls into teh cafeteria to a chorus of screams, screeching table legs adn running feet.  
  
Edward: Why dost thou forsake me, cruel life. Alas and alack, the cafeterai hath anticipated my coming, and hung a large sign saying "NO ASPARAGUS" on the fron t bar. damn.  
  
Edward wanders around the cafeteria banging the walls with a claw, until he puts a hand through on of the pillars.  
  
Edward: Ah, it appears taht this entire cafeterai is a film set. hmmmm. ohhhkayyy.  
  
OI, WHERE'S TEH NEAREST CHIPPY!!!!!!!  
  
All Readers: Whats a chippy???  
  
Edward: Spare me, please from stupidity. A CHIPPY IS A PLACE THAT SELLS FISH AND CHIPS!!!!  
  
All Readers: Fish And Chips?? Hah, you're funny mr rat man. Hah Hah Hah, heeh, gyahahaha etcetera etcetera blah de blah as you can see i'm putting random rubbish into this fic to give the pretence that i'm actually being amusing. Coffeeeeeeeee........  
  
Edward: You are seriously in need of help, man.  
  
KOV; Yeah, i know. It's teh coffee talking, i swear.  
  
Edward: erm, aren't you supposed to be killing Irvine about know for despoiling the holy riff?  
  
KOV: Oh yeah, i suppose. Wait, seeing as i'm the author, i can do whatever i like. so in theory i'm actually two people, becuase i'm in two places at once? is this teh real life, or is it just fantasy, caught in a landslide, no escape from reality?  
  
Edward: Bohemian Rhapsody?  
  
KOV: You bet, love it.......  
  
wibble wobble wibble wobble wib.....  
  
KOV: Hah, Magic Author Phase-Shift strikes again!!  
  
Irvine: *blasts KOV into wall again* Shut It!!!!  
  
KOV: *slams irvine's pretty boy face into the ground with a large concrete block he materialised* erm, how about, NO!!!!!  
  
DAY: *bats eyelids* I'm sure you don't want me to slap you again, so please just get on with the story.  
  
All; O_o, i still don't know where ya digged her up from....  
  
DAY; And i'm still not going to tell you.....  
  
KOV; *twitch* *twitch* *sweatdrop* S..T..O..R..Y..=..C..O..F..F..E..E  
  
Selph: HeymrauthormantrysomeofthisMountainDewstuffit'sprettygood!  
  
*throws KOV a can of Mountain Dew*  
  
KOV: *glug**glug**twitch* Heythisstuffisprettygood!! Okayletsgetonwiththeauditions!!  
  
Irvine: Well, am i in?  
  
DAY: YES!! NOW GET ON WITH THE AUDITIONS!!  
  
Irvine; Okay, okay.  
  
KOV; *consults list suddenly materialised* Okay, n.o.w..it..should..be......Rythm Guitar!  
  
Zell: That's mine.....*evil grin*  
  
Zell starts playing the first few bars of Celebration Day, Led Zeppelin, but suddenly stops when he sees KOV holding up a meat pie  
  
Zell: erm, uh, erm.......*scared grin* heehee, you wouldn't throw that at me would y..oof!  
  
KOV: you just haven't clicked yet, have you? THOU SHALT NOT DESPOIL TEH HOLY RIFFS OF JIMMY PAGE!!  
  
Zell: Ok, chill dude, how about this?  
  
Zell starts playing the first few bars (can ya see a pattern?) of.Voodoo Child (yes, and it is child, they spelt it wrong on the uk cover as chile, but ya don't get many voodoo chiles so i found out it's really child, OK!!), by Jimi Hendrix, but gets hit in the face by teh skin off a rice pudding instead.  
  
KOV: Sorry, ran out of meat pies, so EAT RICE PUDDING SKIN DESPOILER OF HOLY RIFFAGE!!!  
  
Zell: Ok *chomps on rice pudding skin, and suddenly finds jaws stuck together* Mmph, mmph!! grark!!  
  
DAY: Aww, poor zell *places foot on one jaw and both hands on other, and pulls*  
  
BOOOING!!  
  
DAY: Right *dusts hands, as zell picks himself out of large crater* Now, on with teh Auditions!! This is what this chapter is about, isn't it....*looks evilly at KOV*  
  
KOV: Yes, this is what this chapter is all about, so....*cleans up all of the mess with author magic, and plonks everyone on stage*  
  
Squall: *sees bass guitar* whatever..*wanders over to pick it up, but gets halted by invisible wall* eh...whatever..  
  
DAY: Is it just me, or is that the first 3 words he spoke in this chapter, and 2 of them were whatever!!  
  
All: YES!!  
  
DAY: what more excuse do i need?? *slaps squall, very hard*  
  
Squall: Ouch, Whatever!!  
  
All; YAY!! Whatever Whatever Whatever Whatever Whatever Whatever Whatever Whatever!!!!!!  
  
Squall: AARGH!!! *runs away to the bridge to play with the seagulls*  
  
KOV: Ok, i'm gonna get on with the drummer auditions, so there ya go. *twitch*  
  
*materailises Seifer behind drum kit*  
  
Seifer: Hey, what am i doing behind here.........  
  
DAY: I've decided that you can be our drummer!!!  
  
Seif: Right....  
  
DAY: Ok, so, hit this one!! *points to bass drum*  
  
*BUM*  
  
DAY: *sweatdrop* Hehhe, ok, so hit this one! *points to ride cymbal*  
  
*TISH*  
  
DAY: Heh, erm.....ok, hit them one after the other!!  
  
*BUM* *TISH*  
  
DAY: *twitch* I despair, i really do, do what ya want.....*wanders off to teh cafeteria in search of the magic Mountain Dew*  
  
Seif: Seems alright... *starts playing a drum riff taht would put jJohn Bonham from led Zep to shame*  
  
All; O_o, right...  
  
KOV: I've had enough of auditions, lets just say taht everyone who wants to play summat can play it......*twitch*  
  
And finally, the band get together. The only major sticking point was the band name.....KOV had several ideas, but due to his taste in musis, most of tehm had 'death', 'metal' or 'thunder' in them.  
  
KOV: *pant* *slap* PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, IT'S ONLY A BAND NAME!!!!! *slap*  
  
Irvine: *whispers* i've just about had it up to here with him, ya know....  
  
KOV: I heard that......*materialises his bass, and some towering stacks of Marshalls, and raises one hand threateningly above strings* Want some??  
  
Irvy: No, No, not the dreaded towering stacks of Marshalls!!  
  
KOV: Yep, the old 30million decibel treatment!!  
  
Irvy: Ok, i give in.....  
  
DAY: Yoink! *steals irvine's hat for the 17th time in 5 minutes*  
  
Irvy: GRAGH!! *starts to load up shotgun, but finds a paw blocking trigger mechanism*  
  
Edward: *gnaws on asparagus* Naughty Naughty, no shoot the lead singer, yuh!  
  
KOV: Ok, let's decide on the band name....  
  
Irvine: How about Irvine and the Irvinettes?  
  
Zell: Zell and the Zelletes?  
  
Selphie: SelphandtheSelphettes?  
  
KOV: NO, NONE OF TEH TACKY 50S THINGS!! (no offence to 50s rock lovers) Lets have something more mettally, cos we are gonna play metal....  
  
Irvine:How about......Gold?  
  
Zell: Silver?  
  
Selphie: okhowaboutsteel?  
  
KOV: nonono, how about.......fzzzt, brain gone.  
  
DAY: How about,.....Distorted Minds??  
  
All: I LIKE IT!!  
  
KOV; So thats settled, the band name is Distorted Minds.  
  
Edward: *gnaws asparagus* Hey, what can i do??  
  
KOV: erm, you're like, 6 inches high....  
  
Edward: *gnaws asparagus, and pulls out massive sword in process* Problem??  
  
KOV; *gulp* er, no, not really.....you can play percussion!!  
  
Edward: *gnaws asparagus* Then that's setteld, now, let's put an end to this soddin chapter.....  
  
KOV: Fine, *waves hands in a way that they appear to pass through each other*  
  
*********************************************************************** Oooh, manily grooved out. If you're expecting a cheesy clifhanger series, you're sadly mistaken. If you have any requests as to what hte band should play, then sorry, cos i play what i like, but any flames will be fed to my pink bunnies. I'm thinkin of playin some led zep, some nirvana, and a bit of judas priest and disturbed. Please R+R, cos i don't want to have to do this.....  
  
Pink Bunnies Of Ultimate Destruction: *beep* Kill all non-reviewers *Beep*  
  
KOV: Got the Message??  
  
Knight Of Valhala. 


	5. Chapter 5: WHEE COFFEE COFFEE!

Rockin On A Final Fantasy Fanfic  
  
Disclaimer: I really don't have anything to say. *insert disclaimer here* Happy Now?? This chapter written under the influence of Queen, and the Air Guitar 2 album, and GTA Vice City, so expect lots of references to chainsaws *revs chainsaw and looks longingly at squaresoft building*  
  
Ok, I finally got some more reviews!! Selphie_amlasy13, you've made a under- reviewed author very happy, and i am planning to continue, so you can put the flamingos down, very slowly... *runs away with pink flamingos on tails* Good lord, since i wrote that bit i've actually contemplated stopping cos i was ill and depressed, but i'm carrying on, definite. you have my permission to beat me with sticks if i don't. Again, no bothered can me be to spellcheck I sacrifice all of my typos to my own typo deity, Hopaloga Andrews  
  
*********************************************************************** Chapter 5: the First Practice, or, what happens when Irvine trys to play the lead break to some Judas Priest.......  
  
KOV: The scene, the abandoned hall of Balamb Garden. The cast, teh newly formed Distorted Minds. The reason, the first practice....  
  
DAY: *throws a squeegee at KOV* That'll stop ya bein poetic.  
  
KOV: Mmmmph (i'm gonna getcha)  
  
Irvine: Right, first practice, yeah?  
  
All: What?  
  
Irvine: Eh. don't like you me speak backwards fish and chips?  
  
All: Keh? beepbeep....  
  
Irvine: Tell me about your spoon......whee! Mr Jelly!! Wobbly flobbly, eel pies......  
  
*a large STOP sign hits irvine on teh head*  
  
KOV: Right, now, i think i have summat to say.....SHUT UP RIGHT NOW YOU MUSO-GUITARIST FELLER WHAT YOU ARE!!  
  
Irvine: ohhhkayyy...*sucks thumb*  
  
KOV: Jeesh, this is almost as bad as that thing with teh poker.....  
  
DAY: *taps on KOV's head* ANYONE IN?? ANYONE ABOUT?  
  
*a small door opens and a tiny imp climbs out*  
  
Tiny Imp That Gives KOV All These Weird Thoughts: Oi! Bugger Off! You're upsetting the Arrangement!  
  
All: Who the HELL are you!!!!  
  
TITGKOVATWT(boy that's a long abbrieviation): I'm the....er..i'm just getting a message from the author that if he has to type out that acronym one more time then he's gonna kill me....call me Bob!  
  
All, including now-conscious KOV: What are you doing? (and added by KOV: Why have i got a purple imp in my head? wurble weeble sclup *clonk*)  
  
Bob: I'm prodding this green slimy bit that gives him weird thoughts! like how to write a fanfic that i'm being invented for and he's in even tho he's writing it, yes he's definitely gone a bit barmy, it's probably too much coffee and stuff oops i'm rambling!  
  
DAY: O_o, anyone get that?  
  
Edward: Yep, he says that KOV's barmy, and that we are too.  
  
KOV: *hits imp with a hammer, concusses it and chucks it out* That'll teach ya to go around in my head, free meal ticket...grr..anyway!  
  
*picks up materialised bass* Let's rock!  
  
Zell: er, how exactly do we do that?  
  
KOV: *sigh* right, ya pick up your guitar *materialises Zell's Stratocaster* ya plug it into a big stack of amps *materialises some Marshalls, a Mesa Boogie, a Hughes and Kettner Warp 7, and the ubiquitous Vox AC30 and Orange* *plugs the guitar into the Marshall* Ya turn everything up to 10.....and then ya hit a string very softly.  
  
Zell: Ok, i can do that. *hits a string very softly*  
  
WHA- WAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGNIGNIGNGIGNIGNIGGNI*clonk*CHANGGGGGGG GGG  
  
KOV: *doing sign language* *This* *Is* *Called* *Feedback* *!!!!*  
  
Zell: *passes out from volume*  
  
KOV: *acting like nothings happened, calmy strolls over and kicks zell in teh, erm, trousers* GET! UP!  
  
Zell: ouchie.....that hurts...  
  
KOV: Yeah, great, ain't it. It ain't loud enough if ya can hear yaself think!  
  
Irvine: *also on the floor* I'll take your word for it, mr hard rocker.  
  
KOV: I prefer the term, metaller.  
  
Irvine: Fair dos, metaller....  
  
KOV: Anyway, we haven't even put that through the towering stacks of P.A yet. *materialises towering stacks of P.A*  
  
DAY: *Takes one look at P.A and dematerilises it again* This isn't Woodstock, dude. Hendrix is Dead, get over it.  
  
KOV: Ya don't have to tell it like it is....oh well, let's get on with the rockin. What are we gonna play??  
  
Seifer: I say we play some really depressing metal. Like, Bauhaus or sumthin.  
  
KOV: Man, ya might as well dress all in black and write angsty poetry then, i can't say i blame ya, i get heads like taht on me too sometimes again i'm rambling cos of the mad author i am. heehee. *falls over* *get back up again*  
  
Rinoa: *dusts off pointy hat* You Are A Wacko!  
  
KOV: *talking to himself* 3....2....1....about now  
  
*1 ton of bricks in a large skip saying 'Acme Ton Of Bricks' on teh side falls on Rinoa*  
  
KOV: I believe i said that i'd come down like a ton of bricks on the next person who called me a wacko.....hmmmm.  
  
Irvine; erm, i don't think ya ever said taht, dude  
  
KOV: *revs chainsaw* pardon?  
  
Irvine: Rock on man! heehee....*falls over*  
  
KOV: Good, now as long as that's settled.....  
  
*plonks everybody back on stage*  
  
KOV:...we can get on with teh rock!  
  
DAY: Ok dude, i can see taht you're really into just rambling on about distortion and valves and stuff, but what are we actually gonna play?  
  
KOV: well, i........dunno? let's have a look *materialises huge list with 'coolest songs ever' as a title*  
  
KOV: *sniff* *sniff* HEY! CUT IT OUT!  
  
*kicks Squall who is sitting under the list setting fire to the end*  
  
Squall: Whee! Mr Jelly Mr Jelly!!  
  
Squall continued to totally wig out in this fashion until he was hit round teh face with a plank of 2x4 by KOV  
  
Squall: Ouch!  
  
Zell: This is really going nowhere.....  
  
KOV: Just like me man......  
  
*SLAP*  
  
KOV: Ouch......  
  
*SLAP*  
  
KOV: Ouch......  
  
*SLAP*  
  
KOV; It's not working you know....  
  
DAY: Worth a try....  
  
Irvine: What's your obsession with putting dots after everybody says summat.....  
  
KOV: I dunno man.....i really don't....i guess it makes me sound disconsolate and miserable.....i really can't keep up this cheerful thing for much longer....maybe i shouldn't have continued writing this fic in such an angsty frame of mind, man....  
  
*SLAP*  
  
KOV: Hey, stoppit! That hurts, ya know?  
  
All; Raijin Alert!!  
  
KOV: *revs chainsaw* *everyone shuts up*  
  
Quistis: Personally, i reckon taht this mad author dude....  
  
KOV: IE Me  
  
Quistis: ...yeah...is writing too much of this random crap, yuh?  
  
All: We agree!  
  
*DAY materialises a court room, and puts on one of them judges wigs*  
  
DAY: Knight-Of-Valhala, A.K.A KOV, A.K.A Have You Seen this Man?, A.K.A oi Nutter!, you have been charged with writing too much random crap in your fanfic. How do you plead?  
  
KOV: wibble weeble banzai!  
  
DAY: I sentence you to lots of days not writing random crap!  
  
KOV: Nooooo!  
  
All; Yay!  
  
KOV: *dematerialises courtroom, and replaces everyone back on teh stage* Right, that's enough of that.......  
  
*picks up bass again*  
  
Now, are we actually going to get down to playing anything this chap?  
  
All: Doubtful!  
  
KOV: Yep.....  
  
Edward: *gnaws asparagus* So, all i do is hit these drums with various parts of me body, yuh?  
  
KOV; Yah, man, that's the deal  
  
*BANG* *BOOM* *CLANK* *MOO*  
  
All: Moo?  
  
Edward: *gnaws asparagus* Sorry about that. *cherubic grin*  
  
KOV: Gragh! Why does everybody have to be so mad?  
  
Irvine: Madder than you? That's going some....  
  
KOV: *revs chaisaw* Pardon et meself??  
  
Selph: ehyouwhatisthatsomekindalanguageorsummat?  
  
KOV: *deep sigh* Anybody?  
  
Squall: Not a chance....  
  
DAY: Man, you're awake?  
  
Squall: Yep, so make the most of it.....  
  
KOV: Right, i knew i was going to be able to get him to do summat in this chapter.... *presses another bass into Squalls hands*  
  
Squall: What's this man....  
  
KOV; It's called a Bass Guitar, and it is very good..  
  
Squall: Ahhh, sweet bass frequencies.....reverberation.....  
  
DAY: *stage whisper to quistis* Is he stoned or summat?  
  
Quistis: I dunno, HEY SQUALL!  
  
Squall: Yeah....  
  
Quistis: You up on summat?  
  
Squall: Dunno.....  
  
KOV: Yep, he's out of it....Oh well, *picks up bass yet again* Let's try some Judas Priest...*materialises some tabs*  
  
Irvine; Yay, lead break! *tries to play lead break to one shot at glory, but ends up knotting his fingers together* Aargh! *leaps around like a total stuypid fool* No! *passes out when he hits he head on stack of Marshalls*  
  
DAY: Man, why does everybody have to be so mad? *revives irvine with author magic* *points to sky* Hey, Author dude! This is your fault, ain't it!  
  
KOV: Hey, i dunno, talk to teh KOV on the ground  
  
KOV: Man, there's 2 of me?  
  
KOV: Yeah, and you're both me!  
  
KOV: What? *beep*........*fzzt*  
  
*********************************************************************** Whee, another rollercoaster chapter of Rockin on! Will KOV 1 and 2 get over this personal identity crisis? Will the band ever get any practice done without Irvine or Zell passisng out? Will selphie EVER come down off that sugar high? Doubt it....  
  
Anyone wondering about the Judas Priest stuff i keep talking about, they're a Midlands (i think) heavy metal/death metal outfit, whom are very cool. Anyway, Review, pleez, or i'll get the chainsaw out and charge up Hopaloga Andrews  
  
Hopaloga Andrews: *beep* Attack no-reviewers *beep*  
  
Knight Of Valhala 


	6. Chapter 6: LACK OF COFFEE

Rockin On A Final fantasy Fanfic  
  
Disclaimer: Yay!! Mr Jelly!! No me own ff8 or squaresoft, bangedy bang me make building soon! *grabs rocket launcher and strolls towards Squaresoft building* DAY: Oh man, here we go again *sicks pink bunnies on KOV again* KOV: No! *runs around looking stuypid*  
  
In response to reviews, Yes, system of a Down rock as well as all the other stuff i mentioned. Also, keep up the random animals with funny titles that are appearing on teh reviews, i think they're well cool. we could have a poll, or summat. i dunno. No can me be bothered to spellchek, as per usual. Yay!! *bumps head on nearby amp and passes out for a bit*  
  
Ok, sorry i've been a bit late with this chap, i've been a bit busy with course work and all. i'm porbably gonna have a coupla chapters on teh songs and tehn a concert chap. maybe even a world tour? who knows?  
  
*********************************************************************** Chapter 6: Song Practice, or Ritual Screwing Up.  
  
KOV, having gotten over his identity crisis after havin a chat with me, also called kOV, who controls the KOV on teh ground, or is it that he controls me.....hmmmm.*beep* *fzzt*  
  
KOV; Man, you need help!  
  
KOV: no man, you ned help!  
  
KOV: No, you need help!  
  
Quistis: Now Now, children...  
  
KOV's: *together* SHUTTIT!  
  
KOV; you need mroe help than i do!  
  
KOV: NO, you do!  
  
Zell: Like, i think ya need as much help as each other...  
  
KOV's: STAY OUTA THIS!  
  
Zell; Kay....*curls up in a corner and sucks thumb*  
  
KOV; You are a nutter!  
  
KOV: No, You are the nutter around here!  
  
DAY: *getting more and more angry* *bangs KOV's heads together* BOTH...OF...YOU...SHUT...UP...RIGHT...NOW!  
  
KOV: He started it...  
  
KOV; Did not!  
  
DAY: YEESH! *banishes one kOV to in front of this computer on which i am writing this rubbish*  
  
KOV: One of me now?  
  
Selphie: Yah man...  
  
All: Begods, coherent speech!  
  
Selphie: Yeah, no more sugar now....all gone....*sits down adn starts to cry*  
  
KOV: *materialises a can of mountain dew, and advances through the boohoooing* hey, have this....  
  
Selphie: CAFFIENE! *grabs teh can and downs it in one* MORE, MORE, MORE!!! YAY!  
  
Squall: Now look what ya done....  
  
KOV; Well, at least she's back in character now..., anyhoo, as we need some resemblance of plot in this....  
  
DAY: I've warned ya about this before, so, here goes....*Slaps KOV real hard*  
  
KOV: Fair enough, no plot, but anywayz, we need some songs.  
  
All: Songs? No Way!  
  
KOV: Okay, All, i'm tired of you gettin up and gatecrashing this fic every now and tehn *materialises a large baseball bat and a length of chain, advancing towards All with yer average evil nutcase grin on face*  
  
All; Hey man,don't make this personal, i just wanted to be recognised....  
  
*SLAP*  
  
All; Ouchie....  
  
Irvine: Man, ya gota stop doing that...  
  
DAY: *shaking hand in pain* yeah, i know....  
  
kOV: Okay, let's just stop bickering.......*gets assaulted by rest of chars who want to bicker some more*  
  
Edward: ATTACK! *gnaws aspargus*  
  
A sudden balst of teh almighty author magic ifts everyone of their feet and puts them in pink bunny outfits....much to the amusement of Selphie, at least....  
  
Selphie: CAFFIENE, WHERE!!! *runs around, and crashes into a coffee machine that DAY materialised*  
  
DAY: Heehee, fun fun fun *steals irvine's hat AGAIN* heehee.  
  
Irvine: HEY! *runs around after DAY lokiing stuypid*  
  
KOV (one of them, or is it me, i think): SONGS!!  
  
Everyone: Fat Chance!!*starts bickering again*  
  
Edward: Yay! Fun! *attacks zell with deadly home-made aspara-chucks*  
  
Zell: *passes out yet again*  
  
KOV and DAY: STOP!!!!!!!!!  
  
suddenly at a loss to do now that they have everyone's attention for the first time ever, KOV adn DAY plonk everyone back on teh stage.  
  
KOV: *picking up bass again* Right, i've decided that the first song we're gonna do is Bouree, variously by J/S.Bach and Jethro Tull.  
  
Selphie: heydidn'theinventtheseeddrillorsumthin?  
  
KOV: *sigh* anyone?  
  
Everyone: nope......  
  
Seifer: BAUHAUS!! NOW!!  
  
kOV: No, depressing music is not good.  
  
Seifer: Begone with ye, sun dweller.....  
  
KOV: Moriturus Sum, i am the assasin gainst whom no lock will hold nor fasten'd portal bar, come to take my tally on this night of Kings....  
  
*SLAP*  
  
DAY: Dammit! anyone know the way to the nearest bonesetter....  
  
KOV author magic's DAY's hand back together.  
  
DAY: Ta very much.....  
  
Irvine: There's that obsesion with putting dots after people's name's again....  
  
Squall: Yah, whatever.....  
  
*SLAP*  
  
Squall: Ouchie.....  
  
KOV; man, now you're at it an all?  
  
Quistis: *shaking hand in pain* Yah man....  
  
KOV; *sigh* Anyway....i only put this song in cos it had a great bass break in it.....here's teh tabs, now get out of me sight...*hides in a corner accompanied by muffled growling noises and the occasional stifled scream*  
  
dAY; I really am worried about him, ya know.....  
  
Everyone: Yah man....  
  
*********************************************************************** Okay, a pretty short chapter, but i haven't updated in ages. Jethro Tull was a 16th century scientist who invented the seed drill, but it's also a 60s folk band who did some great songs, including Bouree.Next chappy coming soon. Will everone get over the obsession with saying Yah Man? will KOV stop going nuts every five minutes and feeling teh need to kill something? Well, i haven't yet, so i guess this guy won't either. Don't forget to review! Or else....*glances at corner and mutters something* Knight Of Valhala. 


	7. Chapter 7: YET ANOTHER PSYCHOPATHIC ROMP...

Rockin On a Final Fantasy Humour Fic  
  
discalimer: shoot me....now....  
  
okay, under the influence of loadsa stuff. Just read some discworld and stuff, listening to loadsa stuff, mostly jethro tull and some remote heavy goth metal, even tho i ain't no goth meself. And anyone can look good in black, so stop complaining....  
  
Vox Dei Vox Humana Vox Diabolica!!!!!!! YAY!! Psycho stuff!  
  
Okay, i'm thinkin og including Death in this somehow, like, the grim reaper. Maybe an organist? give me ya thoughts. no can me spellchekka use.  
  
sorry this has been so long in the making, i've had lotsa coursework on and stuff, forgive me.  
  
*********************************************************************** Chapter Whateveritisnow: More and more ritual screwing up, and the Appearence of Death.  
  
Picture the scene. All is quiet. The towering stacks of PA and Ampage are staying silent, humming gently under teh pent-up strain of thousands of watts, ready to send teh world into overdrive and produce a sound that makes you want to ascend teh sky on steps of fire and live forever..... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... The tension is killing me, ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... Until, that is, one of the valves overheats and teh entire thing goes ...... ..... ..... ..... Bang. ..... ..... .... .... Squall: That was pathetic, ya know....  
  
KOV; Give a monkeys?  
  
All: Monkeys?  
  
KOV: I thought i told you to sod off last chapter......*picks up a discarded length of chain AGAIN* Teehee...  
  
All: Okay man, i'm goin....*dissapears with a puff of sulphur and is replaced by a blue pineapple from teh forests of Ffquing!!scrngureahow, the planet where, despite all odds, the residents can cook instant macaroni cheese without making it taste like, um, something you'd rather not have tasted.*  
  
*SLAP*  
  
Quistis: Where's teh ouch?  
  
DAY: Hah! I've recently accquired (inbetween the previous chapter and this mess of crumbled ideas and crushed ambitions) an Automatic-KOV-Slapping- Device, calibrated to slap KOV whenever he goes a teensy bit off the rails.  
  
KOV: Hmm, could work...A small test is in order..  
  
Zell: Why're ya talkin like a geek?  
  
KOV: Becauase, you freaky Bruce-Lee-Worshipper!  
  
*SLAP*  
  
Irvine: Bigods, it works?  
  
All: Bigods?  
  
KOV: Last warning man.....  
  
All; Okay, i'm on a c.o..mm.i.ssi.on...*fades into distance*  
  
KOV: Good riddance. Okay, i'll jsut get this amp fixed...*leans over amp with a large lump hammer and starts muttering*  
  
Selphie: Whee!! Whee!! Whee!!  
  
*SLAP*  
  
DAY: Look, she does not sound like him! Okay!  
  
Irvine: Oh, i dunno....  
  
Quistis: What was that mr Kinneas? I'm sure you'd like to share the joke with the whole class!  
  
*SLAP*  
  
DAY: And yet again, she does not sound like her or him!  
  
Irvine: and Yet again, i ain't so sure...  
  
Irvine gets pinned to the back wall by a sudden burst of extended maxed-out riffng  
  
KOV: *puts down teh Les Paul and flicks the amp onto standby* *with forced innocence* oh i am sorry, was i disturbing you, Irvine mate? *friendly grin with hints of things that lurk in Jungles and attack water buffalo, and only blink 3 times a year*  
  
Irvine: Er, um, no, really...  
  
KOV: Oh, i'm sure it was a perfectly innocent comment and totally able to be shared in mixed company! *or possibly things that only need to eat once a year, and ambush antelope in muddy rivers...*  
  
Irvine: Erm, i only said that ya sounded a bit like Quis...  
  
KOV: WRONG ANSWER! *Irvine suddenly gets his body compressed into a space much, much samller tahn an atom*  
  
Time suddenly thickens, and takes on a tinny taste.  
  
Death: WHAT HO, KINNEAS. I TRUST THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENINN?  
  
Irvine: Er, no man. You're death, right?  
  
Death: NOT QUITE, I PREFER DEATH, WITH TEH CAPITAL, YUH?  
  
Irvine: Yeah, i guess soooooooo...... *Irvien dissapears*  
  
Death: BUGGER. *Death follows irvine back to teh festval hall at Balamb*  
  
Death: HEY, YOU, KOV. YOU'RE THE ONE WHOSE MUCKING UP MY SCHEDULE, YES? ALL THIS AUTHOR MAGIC STUFF, BRINGING PEOPLE BACK TO LIFE JUST WHNE I TURN UP. I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, CULLY. I'M MISSING A VERY RPOMISING PLAGUE IN TRABIA FOR THIS, YOU KNOW....  
  
KOV: Look, just shut up will you, i'm sniffing teh valves.....*snort* *snort*  
  
Death: I'M SURE THERE'S SOMETHING PERVERTED IN THAT.....ANYHOW.....COWER, BRIEF MORTAL, FOR I AM THE ASSASIN GAINST WHOM NO LOCK WILL HOLD NOR FASTEN'D PORTAL BAR, COME TO TAKE MY TALLY ON THIS NIGHT OF KINGS, MY TALLY OF.....  
  
KOV: Look, just sod off back to whereever ya came from, alright man....  
  
Death, nonplussed (because not many people get to talk to Death like that, twice, at any rate) lets out a gutteral roar from his bleached skull and charges KOV, wielding his sycthe with the expertise of one who has had eternity to get good. ... ... ... ... Until, that is, DAY raises one finger and pins Death against the wall, several feet up in the air.  
  
Death: AH, AVATARR'S PERSONAL GRAVITAIONAL UPSET, EH? FOOLISH PERISHABLE MORTAL, THOU SHALT NOT KNOW THE BOUNDS OF MY RAGE!  
  
KOV: *snort* Shut up man, i've always had the upmost respect for you, but charging moi, when a very good friend of mine is standing behind you with a loaded finger? you may be the Ultimate reality, but in this universe, you can play something and make yourself useful.  
  
Death (suddenly interested): LIKE WHAT......  
  
KOV: Like...This?  
  
KOV mutters a few words under his breath and, with fingers splayed, becomes the centre of a far expanding corona of randomised magic, which ultimately culminates in the materialisation of a massive church organ, complete with all of teh necessary requirements as to making A LOT OF RACKET, with as much ease as possible.  
  
Death (wandering over now that the effects of teh spell have worn off): HMMM....I LIKE TEH ECHOS OF THIS, 128-FOOT EARTHQUAKE PIPE, SEVERAL KEYBOARDS FULL OF SOUND EFFECTS, QUADRUPLE-MANUAL DECK.....WHAT'S THIS? THERE'S 12 STOPS HERE MARKED WITH "?"! AND THREE, YES, THREE THAT HAVE FADED WARNINGS IN 5 LANGUAGES AND A SKULL AND CROSSBONES NEXT TO THEM. YES, I LIKE THIS.....RIGHT, TOME TO COMMENCE!  
  
Death, in his earnest drive to try everything, pulls out all of teh stops, including those 15 that nobody knows about, Vox Dei, Vox Humana and Vox Diabolica, positions his bony feet over some of the more perilous pedals and waits...pondering...teh immense build-up of stress making every available seam whisltle with rpessure....... ... ... ... ... ... ... His hands come down, and the world goes into overdrive, white hot volume casting the eye into blackness through protection, a sound so loud that it becomes scarcely sound at all and turns into a solid force, unable to be rated on the decibel scale but better suited to a scale somewhere on a wisp of cirro-stratus in the ionosphere... ... on a pogo stick.... .... possibly also up a flight of staris as well.... .... .... come on, you get the idea..... ... ... ... As you can see, i'm just filling in the spaces with dots so as to create a feeling of suspense, without making anybody realise taht i can't actually think of anything...... .... .... ... All goes fine, until the 128-foot Earthquake pipe, having bore strain beyond it's physical limits, takes off like a Saturn rocket in a burst of corpulent black flame, and lands in the upper gallery.  
  
KOV: Youch man, go easy on the Vox Dei stop, i really can't be bothered to pump the bellows up again..  
  
Death: CERTAINLY GUV, NOW, WHAT WERE WE PLAYING AGAIN?  
  
DAY: I believe taht we were curently arguing about whether KOV, Ie, that psycho who's in charge of this mess, sounds like HER, Selphie, that squeaky nutter in the yellow, or HER, Quistis, the psychotic schoolteacher with the whip.  
  
Quistis: I don'thave to take that kind of language from you young lady! After-school detention!  
  
Squall: Man, i'm gonna shut her up.....*tapes quistis' mouth up with some black gaffa tape*  
  
Selphie: Aroundofapplauseforthequietguyhosayswhatevertoomuch!  
  
Irvine: Ya shouldn't have given her caffiene man.....  
  
KOV: Shut-up pretty-boy, i'm still far too racked-off with you to talk to yuou in a direct fashion....  
  
All: Racked-off?  
  
KOV: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO!!!!! SEE, FIVE EXCALIMATION MARKS!!!!! SURELY THE MARK OF A DISTURBED MIND!!!!!  
  
DAY: Distorted mind man, really.  
  
KOV: TRULY!!!!!  
  
Death: ABSOLUTELY, NOW, CAN WE GET ON WITH THE ROCKING, OR AM I JUST GOING TO SATND HERE LOOKING ORNAMENTAL?  
  
KOV: Sorry, Sorry....*puff* *pant* Ok, and now...*magics everyone back on stage for the umpteenth time*...We can get on with playing stuff. now we have an organist, we can expand our reppetiorre, ladies and gennnelmen!  
  
The Band (hah, clever use of refraining from saying all and provoking another chain-ridden outburst from KOV there....): Oh no.......  
  
KOV: Yes, Truly, and verily, possibly with a few yeas in there as well, let us commence.....  
  
The Band, Distorted Minds, finally manage to play some coherent music, to the tune of Sonne, by Rammstein (a totally cool band as well by the way), even tho we're in the parallel ff8 universe....i'll work out some inadvisably applied physics to explain the inter-universal shift later on......*beep* *fzzzt*  
  
All goes well, Death providing backing vocals in the subsonic register for the verses, DAY handling the high bits through a magically materialised synth, yet unbeknownst to them, something dreadful is about to happen......  
  
*********************************************************************** Yet another cheesy cliffhanger, when will it all end. Rammstein are very cool. The track i stated, Sonne, is also great. If ya wanna listen, it's Track 20, CD 1 of Kerrang 2, the album. The one with the leaping guy in teh parka on it, yeah, ya see! I wonder what this dreadful thing could possibly be? Speculate in your reviews, pleez, ladies and gennelmen! Edward shall be very angry if you don't....  
  
Edward: Durn Right......*pulls oiut asparachucks and starts making mufled kung-fu noises on a dummy marked Non-Reviewers* Mwahahahah Vox Diabolica! Also speculate on what that organ stop would be if this were real life and you could create it. I reckon some kinda resonant bass stop, with lots of crunchy distortion.  
  
Knight_Of_Valhala. 


	8. Chapter 8: WILL MY MIND EVER BE NORMAL A...

Rockin On A Final Fantasy Humour Fic  
  
Disclaimer: Can't be bothered, make one up yahselves. oh, if i must.....I do not own any of the stuff that i may happen to mention in this foolish and pointless piece of writing, slap me if i do, Kay?  
  
Right, i've thought up an excuse for my lousy update rates, erm, actually, i haven't. *throws self on readers mercy* Forgive me!!!  
  
*********************************************************************** Chapter 8: the Concert, Mayhap, If I Get Round To It  
  
DAY: *notices disclaimer* Shoudn't have said that....*SLAP* *SLAP*  
  
KOV: Ow man, i thought i destroyed that thing last chapter....  
  
DAY: Noe, but i've improved it now! KOV-Slapping device mark 2! *SLAP*  
  
KOV: Gragh! *makes device explode with an impromptu Doomsday spell*  
  
Vivi Ornitier (ya know, the little dude from ff9): Oi man, my spell!  
  
KOV: *sets vivi's coat on fire* Sod off out my universe, shorty..  
  
Quistis: *briefly bouncing off the walls of sanity* Now, is it really your universe, or are you just creating some kinda psychomatic reaction to the prevalent sense of inferiority and manic depression inside yah're head?  
  
KOV: *sigh* somebody take that bloody freudian rubbish book out of her hands, please........... ... ... ... ... before i burn it out....  
  
Quistis: Ok, beep, beep, whheeeeeeee! *collapses into a space much, much smaller than an atom*  
  
Zell: Nooooo! Quisty!!! *sob*  
  
Seifer: Can it wuss...  
  
Zell: ANGSTY-SPURNED-LOVER-SLAP!!!!! *SLAP*  
  
Seifer gets lifted off the floor and dumped through a nearby window by the new ultimate Zell limit break, angsty-spurned-lover-slap.  
  
(AN: God, how my mind works...)  
  
Squall: Such is true man.....  
  
KOV: Hey, yah're not supposed to be able to read dat!  
  
Squall: So, they're there, man, in big shiny purple letters 10 feet high, sort of stretched, and flashing on and off, man...  
  
KOV; *turning away, whispering* Yep, he's wasted....soembody find out if he's growing it, kay?.....and get me some.....  
  
DAY: naughty naughty....  
  
Irvine: Gragh!! there he goes again! always with the tacky space-filling rubbish that he puts in to make himself sound more interseting and less geeky than he actually is!! come on, he wears plaid shirts! and glasses! GEEK!  
  
Quistis: *pulling out whip and giving it an experimental crack* Problem wid people who where glasses, foo'? *brief shudders from all ofn the pervs in the audience at quistis standing there with a whip*  
  
Irvine: Ahhh.. no, be nice.....*tish* arrgh!  
  
DAY: Hey man, come to think of it, where was the revival bit in between where ya just mentioned quisty and the last time ya destroyed her?  
  
KOV: Care do i not.....babylon cna stick my fic...up it's *SLAP*  
  
Selphie: ohnohe'sfoundsquallsillegalherbage!  
  
KOV: Damn straight i have....  
  
DAY: Whoa, in this wasterd state he can actually understand what selph8ie says! man, we need to get more of this stuff, and the mysteries of teh sugar high speech can be revealed!  
  
Zell: Not a chance, we need his bass....*gives KOV 6 cans of mountain dew and a coffee machine with infinite credit facility* He won't be able to resist....watch....the species KOVus Lazius Maddus Nutterus in it's natural environment, what a great oppurtunity this is, truly a great oppurtunity to witness this rare beast in it's natural environment....utterly fantastic....truly rare footage this....oh, and whats happening now?...Ah, yes, hye's coming this way...what a great beast....AAh, what's he doing?  
  
KOV: Stop bloody pretending yah're bill oddie man, it don't suit, really....  
  
Zell: Wahhhhh! *runs away lest he feels the wrath of the pink bunnies*  
  
KOV: And talking of wah, let us continue with the Hendrix, ultimate wahlord himself.  
  
*SLAP*  
  
KOV: *fiddling with jaw* Mark 3?  
  
Quisty: Better believe it, and it's mine!! all mine!!  
  
Irvine: Medication is called for...  
  
Edward: Durn Right.....*gnaws asparagus*  
  
Quisty: See, it just talked again!! *picks up edward by bow tie* Hey you, say summat, overgrown gerbil!  
  
Edward: Stuff you, ya sadistic slapper! *gnaws asparagus*  
  
Quisty: See!! See!!! it does talk!!!! I'm gonna knock your bleedin block off, ya little freak!!!!!  
  
DAY: Exclaimation mark alert! Penalisation for use of five exclaimation marks is quick and messy death! *uses author magic to turn quistis into a minature model of sperm whale and a bowl of petunias* Right, now, back to the plot....  
  
KOV: See, even my madness permeates those around me after a while, permenant psycopathy is the order of teh day around here it seems...as you can see *materialises blackboard with complex diagrams and equations on it and a pointer* with this handy equation, P.L.O.T..AND..HUMOUR..FIC..=..INCOMPATIBLE, and with this handy equation, K.O.V..=..LACK..OF..CAFFIENE..AND..SUGAR..=..MANIC..DEPRESSION, as you can see. *collapses, puts head on knees, and starts crying*  
  
Squall: Right dudes, let moi take over from here. As you can see, KOV has just collapsed crying due to a lck of caffiene and a constant debasement of faith by his contempories as to his political beliefs...  
  
All: Whut?  
  
Squall: Hey all, as KOV ain't compos, i'll allow ya in here, but only until he regains consciousness. And in answer to your question, he gave me a 3 hour lecture this morning about the virtues of socialim in today's society.  
  
Everyone: Poor bugger.....  
  
kOV: Durn straight...laughing to stop from crying man.... and all, if ya on't get out of here right now, i may be forced to get annoyed...  
  
All: Kay man, i'm off....*fades away*  
  
KOV: Now, to bring an end to this crushed mess of plagarism and depression, i bid you, adieu....*runs away*  
  
*********************************************************************** Man, if i don't end up getting this head off'f me, i might have to add angst to this description. Sorry, i promise i'll get back to what semblance of plot there is in chapter 9, if i get some reviews on this chapter *hint hint*. Also, jsut for fun, have a see if you can find the concealed Rory Gallagher and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy connections in this chapter.  
  
Knight-Of-Valhala. 


	9. Chapter 9: PEACE, TRANQUILITY, AND COFFE...

Rockin On  
  
A Final Fantasy Humour Fic  
  
Disclaimer: Man, i'm really out of ideas......  
  
Ok, i realise taht i haven't been updating this for a long long time, and for that i apologise. Forgive me, i beg of thee....*lies down and kowtows*  
  
I'm gonna try and get round to the concert this chapter, so it may finally come to fruition at last, if i have enough Jacob's crackers....no more spellchekking of long wordz.....  
  
*********************************************************************** Chapter 9: The Balamb Garden Wint.....Spri.....Summer Concert!!  
  
All is set for the greatest concert that the Garden has ever seen, starring the up-and-coming band, Distorted Minds.  
  
All is quiet on stage, the towering stacks of amps and PA left silent, for now, biding their time ubtil they can be unleashed upon the unsuspecting masses....  
  
Sqaull: What the hell are you going on about man.......whatever.....  
  
KOV: DAMMIT!! Why did ya have to destroy the atmosphere you fool!  
  
Squall: Whatever....  
  
DAY: And why are you speaking into that bullrush?  
  
KOV: Er...*stares at bullrush in hand*  
  
Irvine: It's your hand mate.....  
  
Selphie: YeahmrAuthorman!!  
  
Squall: Yeah whatever....  
  
Nida: Yeah....*runs away*  
  
Rinoa: Ye...  
  
KOV: SHUTTIT!! AARGH! It's you! Begone foul shade, unto the blackest pit of the night from whence thou eminated!  
  
Quistis: *still gagged* Mmph! Mmph Mmph-er-Mmpher Mmph! *SLAP*  
  
KOV: Why.....why....  
  
DAY: Hey man, you're writing this, so its your own fault!  
  
KOV: Yeah man, you are!  
  
KOV: Wait, i am?  
  
KOV: Yeah!!  
  
KOV: Now i'm confuzzled.....  
  
KOV: You should be! I'm me and you're me too!  
  
KOV: Wait, I'm You!  
  
KOV: Er.....  
  
Random Garden Flunkie: 2 hours until the concert, people!  
  
DAY: *turns the flunkie into a talking clock* Heehee.....  
  
RGF: T.H.E....T.I.M.E....I.S...T.W.E.L.V.E....F.I.F.T.Y....S.E.V.E.N....A.N.D.... T.W.E.N.T.Y....F.I.V.E....S.E.C.O.N.D.S....T.H.A.N.K.Y.O.U  
  
Zell: hey, can i have a line of dialogue?  
  
KOV: No, i'm still annoyed with you and your bad hairdo.....  
  
Zell: *weeps*  
  
KOV: this is getting odd.....  
  
KOV: That's true....  
  
Squall: *stares at bottle of clear liquid he is swigging from* wonder where i can get more of this stuff from....  
  
KOV: Ok, i'm just worried now.....  
  
KOV: Yeah, me too....  
  
DAY: Which one of you is you?  
  
KOV: Me!  
  
KOV: No, Me!!  
  
(AN: betcha saw that one coming)  
  
KOV: One way to decide this, padre....  
  
KOVs (together): ROCK PAPER SCISSORS!!  
  
Edward: *grabs bullrush from where it was discarded by KOV, er, i mean KOV, er.....anyway, a while ago* And the almighty clash of the rock paper scissors titans, KOV and KOV is now on....KOV looks tense, his opening gambit deep and meaning ful...the countdowns started, oh the tension is killing me, and....KOV WINS!! Stone beats Scissors and KOV is the champion!! KOV looks dejected, beaten finally by a superior combatant, i can see this man has a great future in Rock Paper Scissors world championships and....erk...  
  
Quisty: MMMPH!!!! *runs after Edward with a hammer*  
  
Edward: *taunting quisty* You can't catch me, you can't catch me.....  
  
KOV: ENOUGH!! *uses author magic to strap quisty to a magically materialised office chair* You, ratboy, can just chill it.  
  
Edward: I don't have to take that from you, tall man....  
  
KOV: Hey, I ain't that tall, but this guy is *materialises me mate Loz, who happens to be 6' 6''*  
  
Loz: WHAT THA HELL!  
  
KOV: Good question, man.  
  
Loz: What you doing here, foo'?  
  
Irvine: I could ask thee the same question, cully *loading Exceter calmly*  
  
Loz: OH MAN!! I'M IN FF8!!!! AAAARRRGGGGGGGGGGG......*runs away and tries to climb the walls*  
  
KOV: Right, enough *dematerialises loz back into the real world*  
  
DAY: That was random  
  
KOV: *twitches* yeah.....  
  
RGF: O.N.E....H.O.U.R....T.O....T.H.E....C.O.N.C.E.R.T....*clunk*  
  
DAY: Erm....is it just me....or do we really need to practice?  
  
KOV: Yeah, we kinda need to....*dumps everyone on stage with AM, and picks up bass, motioning to Squall to do the same with an identical bass next to KOV's*  
  
Squall: Whatever....*starts playing some random riffs, looks around as everyone is shocked by sweetness of harmonies that KOV and him are making*  
  
Zell: Hey, this double bass solo thing might be a good idea....  
  
Irvine: NO WAY! *launches into Purple Haze*  
  
KOV: SOLO HOGGER!  
  
Irvine: LUNATIC!  
  
KOV: BAD-COMEBACK-THINKER-UPPER!  
  
Irvine: That just does it *puts down strat, starts a fight with KOV* Im gonna getcha!  
  
KOV: Your mother was a bucket of turtle slime and your father smelled of ELDERBERRIES!  
  
Irvine: *slaps KOV*  
  
KOV: *picks Irvine up using AM, and throws him around a bit whilst making "whoosh" noises*  
  
RGF: T.H.I.R.T.Y....M.I.N.U.T.E.S....T.O....T.H.E....C.O.N.C.E.R.T.....  
  
KOV: *leaves Irvine hanging in mid-air* How the hell did he get down here?  
  
DAY: I dunno, you're the author....  
  
Zell: Yeah....  
  
Selph: Yeah!!  
  
Squall: Ye....  
  
KOV: *interrupting* Don't start that again.....  
  
RGF: T.W.E.N.T.Y....N.I.N.E....M.I.N.U.T.E.S....T.O....T.H.E....C.O.N.C.E.R.T  
  
Selph: Is it just me or is this guy really getting on our nerves....  
  
All: *stares at her in shock*  
  
Selph: What, what?  
  
Zell: Thou Speakest Coherently? Bigods? What has occured to my mode of speech?  
  
KOV: *looks at DAY suspiciously*  
  
DAY: Hey! It wasn't me!!  
  
KOV: *raises one eyebrow*  
  
DAY: Okay, okay, i'll fix it...*fixes it*  
  
Zell: Hell yeah!!  
  
Selphie: Wheeicantalklikeatotalloonyagain!  
  
DAY: Oh man, i've created a monster....  
  
RGF: T.E.N....M.I.N.U.T.E.S....U.N.T.I.L....T.H.E....C.O.N.C.E.R.T....  
  
DAY: Right, Set List!  
  
KOV: CAN'T THINK!! TOO BUSY PANICKING!!  
  
DAY: *lends new and improved Mk 4 to Quistis* feel free  
  
Quisty: MMPH! *slaps KOV*  
  
KOV: ouchie.....  
  
Death: BIGODS, I POP OUT FOR AN HOUR OR SO TO GET SOME MILK AND FILL A FEW APPOINTMENTS, HEH-HEM *gestures to scythe* AND I RETURN TO CHAOS....  
  
KOV: Right, okay, no need to panic. We'll just have to improv our way through it, okay?  
  
RGF: *beeps randomly* G.E.T...Y.O.U.R....L.A.Z.Y....B.E.H.I.N.D.S....O.U.T....T.H.E.R.E....  
  
DAY: *gags flunkie* right, let's go!  
  
As the gang walk out, the previously riotous hall, and the various gangs that were breaking up the fixtures and fittings, notably including one drunk Headmaster Cid in pink leggings, fall silent. As everyone takes up their positions, a random whispering ripple spreads out in the audience, as everyone realises the identity of the various shadowy figures in black suits that are on-stage  
  
Squall: *whispering to Irvine* why are we in suits.....whatever.....  
  
Irvine: *whispering back* i dunno....erm....blame him *points to KOV*  
  
Squall: Ah, right, whatever....  
  
DAY: Heya, and good evening!  
  
Silence prevades....  
  
DAY: I said, Heya and good evening!  
  
Still silence reigns, and someone throws a beer can....  
  
DAY: *catches the beer can, and blasts the thrower with a random Firaga* Naughty Naughty now....  
  
Crowd: *realise that the vocalist is in control of magic, and choruses "Good Evening" in a full-hearted fashion*  
  
DAY: Much better, now, this is a little number we call Paranoid...  
  
KOV: One, Two, One Two Threee FOUR!  
  
As the opening triuphal chords of the Black Sabbath anthem rang out, the mood changed suddenly in the hall. No longer were the crowd screaming in hatred of being kept waiting with a ridiculous 7 pints to keep them going, but with the joy and ecstacy of being subjected to vast sound pressure levels and drastic levels of bass reverberation, courtesy of the 120-foot "Earthquake" pipe on Death's custom church organ.  
  
The mood was suddenly disrupted as a rip in the fabric of reality appeared next to the stage, suddenly erupting two roaring harley davidsons, with screaming Gundam Wing chars on them....  
  
Duo+Heero: SLLOOOWWWW DDDOOOWWWNNNNN!!!  
  
Zara+Trin: NOOOO!!!!  
  
Death suddenly looks up from his random noodlings on the organ.  
  
He stops time.  
  
Such a short sentence, but containing such a lot of incident, don't you think?  
  
The reason for this interjection suddenly becomes apparent, as the eye of view shifts out to an overall of the hall, with another random garden flunkie appearing to be trodden beneath the wheels of the dual bikes  
  
Death DAMN, NOT AGAIN *pulls out a fancy-looking hourglass, and unships his scythe from it's storage point on the Gravissima pipe*  
  
As Death saunters over to the RGF, a shadowy figure detaches itself from the body, and starts screaming. Death waits until the figure has stopped yelling the house down, this being the usual response when you are looking down at yourself.  
  
Soul of RGF: What thew hell, coulda killed me that thing!  
  
Death: YOU DON'T SAY  
  
SORGF: Oh, right.....*dissappears to a wisp of dust, which Death collects and stashes into his robe*  
  
Death: RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT, SOMETIMES I REALLY DO DESPAIR *starts time again*  
  
In the end, they had to organise a bucket chain to the foutains. The courtyard was strewn with purple feathers. Two SeeD members had to stand outside each of the band's rooms with clubs..  
  
With nails in them....  
  
*********************************************************************** Okay, there it is, it's finally done. Once again, a thousand apologies for not updating this for so long. Coursework's getting piled upon us like no- one's business, and thus i've had practically no time to write my fics recently. Forgive me, please. The next chapter will be soon in coming.  
  
Knight Of Valhala. 


	10. Chapter 10: RANDOMNESS DOTH ABOUND, WITH...

Rockin On A Final Fantasy Humour Fic  
  
Disclaimer: MAKE IT UP!!!! DO I REALLY CARE ANYMORE? NO!!! Me don't own Liptons Ice Tea either.....  
  
Sorry about that *necks pills from purple bottle* aaaaaahhhhhh......  
  
*********************************************************************** Chapter 10: The Morning After The Night Before......Which Generally Involves Lacey Underwear........  
  
The Setting: Balamb Garden, October 29th, 2003, about precisely 9ish.....  
  
The Cast: The Band, Distorted Minds  
  
The eye of perspective shifts, swooping gracefully down through the hallways and corridors of Garden, strewn with empty beer bottles, purple feathers, inflatable bananas, and the other associated paraphanalia of a good night out....  
  
The only mortal...er...actually...immortal being awake on this fine, if slightly chilly, November morn was Death, stalking around in his customary fashion, wiping up the empty glasses and collecting the beer bottles, lobbing them absent-mindedly over his shoulder, hitting the bin every time.....  
  
Death: *materialises a computer station, strewn with empty Liptons Ice Tea bottles and half finished crackers, with KOV sitting behind it, cackling evilly and typing rather randomly* THEE, SIRRAH, ART PUTTING DOTS AT THE END OF THY STATEMENTS AGAIN....  
  
KOV: *jumps in shock* what the.....I'm in Garden?......Hey!!......*clunk* *head hits keyboard*  
  
Death: AHH.....ERM.....HELLO?....ER......AH, TA HELL WI' ET! *biffs KOV on the bonce with scythe handle*  
  
KOV: *snore*  
  
Death: THIS DUDE IS RANDOM...ER....RIGHT........BASS PIPE TIME!  
  
Death strolls up to the church organ, still on stage after the heady reveries of last night, and selects the most eardrum-damaging combination of stops and pedals he can think of, with added Vox Humana, just for the un- easy reverberation value.  
  
KOV: *wakes up* *holds hands over ears* eeeeeeerrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh........  
  
Meanwhile, in another part of the Garden, Seifer wakes up, bright, refreshed, and in a generally good mood until he realises that Dr Kadowki was next to him.  
  
Seifer: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......i knew i was ratarsed, but not THAT ratarsed.....ah ta hell wi' 'et.....*goes and takes a shower*  
  
*******  
  
After many minutes of pleading, begging, and threatening, the gang reconvene in the cafeteria for a good fry-up.  
  
DAY: *sleepy* whhyyyy....are....we...up...this....early....  
  
Selphie: Whyevernot?  
  
KOV: Selphie.....  
  
Selphie: YeahaMrAuthorMan?  
  
KOV: *pauses for a moment*.....SHUT THE HELL UP!!! YOU MAD...OVERLY PERKY....LUNATIC!  
  
Selphie: *bursts into tears*  
  
Irvine: Hey, that was mean man!  
  
Squall: yeah, whatever....  
  
Quistis: *lying on table* yeah...man....  
  
KOV: Don't start that again. Anyway, i had good reason. i mean, who is taht perky first thing in morno?  
  
Squall: Erm..whatever....it's not actually first thing in the morno....whatever....it's 10:30  
  
KOV: WELL IT DAMN WELL FEELS LIKE IT!  
  
Selphie: *stops crying when she realises no-one cares* blasphemyisnaughty....  
  
KOV: oh fine then.....*sits down and starts hitting his head against the table leg*  
  
Quistis: *still on table* so can anyone remember anything?  
  
Squall: Er, i can remember...oh no, i'd rather not remember that actually, watever....  
  
Irvine: Oh, that...  
  
Squall: Yeah, that....  
  
Irvine: I don't think i'm ever gonna be able to forget that, tho i'm gonna give it a damn fine go.....  
  
DAY: what are you talking about?  
  
Squall+Irvine: *unison* Don't Ask!  
  
Quistis: There were a great many women throwing their underwear on stage....  
  
Death: INDEED.....  
  
Everyone (see, note clever non-use of all): *stare at Death in suspicious fashion*  
  
Death: DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT....YOU CADS....  
  
KOV: I reckon we oughta go and get some hangover cures inside of us.  
  
KOV: Damn, you again! *stands up* Who are you, punk!  
  
KOV: I ain't no punk, take that heathen comment back!  
  
KOV: Make me, beatch!  
  
KOV: *starts fighting with KOV*  
  
Edward: *grabs bullrush again* and it's a thrilling start to the latest KOV v KOV bout....  
  
Quisty: *sees Edward* It talked, it talked! Come 'ere, you rodent you!  
  
Edward: Erk...quick departure time! *runs off*  
  
KOV: haha, thou canst not resist the ultimate spell of the Crusty Bread Roll of doom!!!  
  
KOV: *unleashes the pink bunnies again, with DAY's consent*  
  
KOV: noooooooo *passes out*  
  
PBOUD: *start eating KOV's trousers*  
  
*********************************************************************** And on that note, let us bring this randomness to an end. Read, review, please, if you really feel like it....  
  
Knight Of Valhala 


End file.
